I am an expert in self-preservation. Limits and boundaries and space are a few of my closest friends. I am afraid of feeling things too deeply, of the inevitability of walking in pain or grief.
I'm very concerned with not giving too much of myself away. And I hold up the ideals of self-preservation as if they are gospel, when what they actually offer me is a life devoid of love that's deep, sacrificial, or purposeful.
Friends and family have been very kind when we've told them we are stepping into foster care. However, often included in their encouragement is some version of how special we are for signing up for something that will be hard. I hope this small window into my soul clears things up for everyone. My instincts for protecting myself from pain, worry, discomfort, exhaustion are so high that I know it will require constant, intentional effort to love these kids as God has called us to do.
But the truth that is so present on my mind as we prepare for this life change is the worthiness of these kids to be fully loved, and kept safe, and to experience real attachment - perhaps for the first time. They are worthy of my attention, my sleeplessness, my encouragement, my energy, my affection, and even of my heartbreak if or when they leave our home.
I'm trusting God's transforming power to remake me through this process. I know it is as much for my own good as I hope it will be for the good of the children in our care. And I'm asking him to strip away this deep desire for self-preservation, that instead he will help me to understand more fully the love that compelled Christ to give himself away completely for us.
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